I know a lot of it comes from keeping everything in, I always have and probably always will. But I remember things during this month.
The death of my father placed a cloud on my moms and my life. With the recent book publish and wonderful and in my life I'm only just starting to see the sun again in that area of my life. It's been 14 years.
I posted something on facebook a few days ago that describes it the best for me:
Disclaimer before the post: I'm not posting this for sorrow or pity, or even to ask for prayer. I'm posting this because it's on my heart and I want to get it out. But also because I know there are others out there that will understand. More than that there are people out there that need this for their own situations. They haven't quite found the strength I've found, they need to hear someone else is struggling, but that because someone else has made it through, they can too. So, here it goes...
This is the time of year that I absolutely hate the calendar because no matter how much I fight it, I find myself counting the days until the 11th-13th of September, and not in a good way. People say it should get easier, and it does in a sense. 14 years ago I dreaded every day as my dad's health declined and dreaded them even more after he died. Now I only dread the days he was in a coma, died and the days leading up to his funeral. But I know they are coming and that's what makes it hard. The memories flood back and nearly drown me in the sorrow, as I fight to keep my head above water and swim for my life back to the safety and happiness of what my life has now become and more than that to the safety of my heavenly fathers arms. I know that once the "crap days" as I call them pass everything will be alright. Just as much as I don't want to remember the pain and sorrow I felt at 15, I do want to remember my fathers last words to me. I do want to remember how my family, HIS family came together after he died, how we held each other. I do not want to remember harsh words spoken to me by some family, or even by some peers.
So anyone going through loss, whether old or new, you are not alone. All loss is different, every person is different. But one truth holds firm, loss in any form is hard, it stinks, but somehow, some way, you get stronger, even when you don't want to. My love and prayers are with you and if you need someone to talk to, send me a message. For all the pain my dad's cancer and death caused, it's like a friend of mine told me once, my dad didn't survive cancer but my mom and I survived it as his caretakers. Because we survived we can now help others.
Why do I share this story, not to get attention but to spread the story of a man who once said to my mom and I "If one person comes to Christ through my story then it will have all been worth it." Isn't that profound? If we share the story of our struggles, think of the people we can help, the stories we can add to, the people that will see God through them.
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Because of my September experience my September jam has been "Wake Me Up When September Ends" Then yesterday I started looking for September songs in the hopes to find one that will keep me out of this funk I get in... and I found one by Rosanne Cash, sang by her and her dad Johnny Cash. Lyrics of that are below:
There's a cross above the baby's bed,
A Savior in her dreams.
But she was not delivered then,
And the baby became me.
There's a light inside the darkened room,
A footstep on the stair.
A door that I forever close,
To leave those memories there.
So when the shadows link them,
Into an evening sun.
Well first there's summer, then I'll let you in.
September when it comes.
I plan to crawl outside these walls,
Close my eyes and see.
And fall into the heart and arms,
Of those who wait for me.
I cannot move a mountain now
I can no longer run.
I cannot be who I was then
In a way, I never was.
I watch the clouds go sailing
I watch the clock and sun.
Oh, I watch myself, depending on,
September when it comes.
So when the shadows link them,
And burn away the clouds.
They will fly me, like an angel,
To a place where I can rest.
When this begins, I'll let you know,
September when it comes.
_______________________
I can relate to this so much and just wow.... Now I've got two sad September Jams... I guess I'll have to listen to Say Geronimo all month instead. lol...
____________________
Because of my September experience my September jam has been "Wake Me Up When September Ends" Then yesterday I started looking for September songs in the hopes to find one that will keep me out of this funk I get in... and I found one by Rosanne Cash, sang by her and her dad Johnny Cash. Lyrics of that are below:
There's a cross above the baby's bed,
A Savior in her dreams.
But she was not delivered then,
And the baby became me.
There's a light inside the darkened room,
A footstep on the stair.
A door that I forever close,
To leave those memories there.
So when the shadows link them,
Into an evening sun.
Well first there's summer, then I'll let you in.
September when it comes.
I plan to crawl outside these walls,
Close my eyes and see.
And fall into the heart and arms,
Of those who wait for me.
I cannot move a mountain now
I can no longer run.
I cannot be who I was then
In a way, I never was.
I watch the clouds go sailing
I watch the clock and sun.
Oh, I watch myself, depending on,
September when it comes.
So when the shadows link them,
And burn away the clouds.
They will fly me, like an angel,
To a place where I can rest.
When this begins, I'll let you know,
September when it comes.
_______________________
I can relate to this so much and just wow.... Now I've got two sad September Jams... I guess I'll have to listen to Say Geronimo all month instead. lol...
