Mirror May: Alone

Alone, This has been me lately. I made a commitment to write about the friends and family I see in my mental mirror in my facebook mirror may posts but... to be honest it's hard to write about people you don't see there...

In most aspects of my life I've felt alone, disrespected and just... out of the loop. There has been 1 maybe 2 friends that have been there for me lately, and of course God...but other than that. It's been just me. I'm thankful for the 2 people who have been a support to me, don't get me wrong it is because of them that I've held on to a little happiness. But I have vowed to be honest in these posts so that's what you are getting.

I'm stressed and feeling alone... I know we all reach that point sometimes and I'm there right now.

I'm writing this post to ask for prayer but also to show people that it is possible to feel SO alone when others think you have so much support... Be there for for people despite the fact that you think they wont need it. Chances are...they do.

Mirror May: He's Everywhere

I just came back from Nashville recently. A cheap, short, vacation, but much needed one just the same...but what I found in Nashville is something I really didn't expect.

My dad was EVERYWHERE. The household I grew up in was one in which my father constantly talked about wanting to take me places...and when I was younger we traveled a lot, Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and many other places...we were constantly going on adventures, then as I got older we took less trips... early on in my dads cancer he had talked about taking me to Chicago, New York, Florida, California, and Nashville... he wanted to take me so many places and never got the chance. After he died I became a person that never thought I'd get to do any of the things I wanted, then in college I was able to go to Chicago, Florida, and California. Then last Oct. I went to New York, and finally most recently I went to Nashville. I've felt my dad with me on all these trips but this one... this one I felt him with me the WHOLE time.

We went to Ryman, I felt him there... My father is the one that introduced me to music, especially the older musicians, country and otherwise. He and my mom are the ones that introduced me to the music I still love today, music that was from their times. Then at the Grand Ole Opry, standing on the circle... I felt him then... I knew he was with me, asking me to sing with him again...

Then came the Belle Meade Plantation... More history and he was there too...He loved all those old civil war stories and I could feel him walking that tour with me, smiling, so interested in the stories...

My father passed down his love of history and his love of music with me...and I miss him so much right now. It's stronger than it's been in a while...maybe because I'm following in his footsteps and catching up with him on knee surgeries (though none of mine have been replacements at this point...) All I know is...I can feel him. I'm scared about my surgery, and about life in general but I know my daddy is with me and I'm so thankful for all the things he taught me and the loves he brought to my attention!  My father was an amazing man and I was blessed to have him in my life for 15 years.

Until next time...

Mirror May- Transparent

As I go through this Mirror May I am quickly realizing that to be truly honest, and get my point across, I HAVE to be transparent. I have to share the good, bad and the ugly.

Today's facebook post was probably the most transparent I've gotten this month.

I don't like talking about the judgments that many people have put on me. But it's part of my walk.

People who first meet me think that I've had it easy. Since I was a child I've had a smile on my face. I used to and still try to find the good in EVERYTHING. Whenever I talk about my situations in life I say "I've worn them well."

Even family has told me that dad dying wasn't a big deal because he died years ago. The thing is. I still grieve that loss deeply. My dad died when I was 15 years old, before most big moments in a girls life. He wasn't physically present at my sweet 16, my high school graduation, my college graduation, and if I get married one day... he wont be there. It HURTS. To know that my daddy wont be present during moments when a father should be there. I've learned to cope but I may never "get over it."

I've been called a drama queen because of my tender heart, been told that I second guess myself too much. and I'm constantly prejudged, just like we all are. I've learned to shrug these things off but they happen a lot.

But honestly please don't judge a persons life, saying they've had it easy when you DONT know. If you weren't there walking with them, or havent experienced their path in anyway... know that we ALL have hard times and they are different levels of hurt for EVERYONE because we ALL handle things differently.

My heart hurts for so many tonight as I think of the people that are prejudged...

And I think of Meg in Glass Girl (a great book I've read, from Playlist Fiction, check it out on Amazon for Kindle. It's by Laura Anderson Kurk) She went through a difficult time, but she spent time hiding the hurt, because that was best for her at the time... She went through her grief, and found her path...found friends, and stood up for the truths that she knew... As I read it, I felt like a glass girl too, I could totally relate to her and I still can. Theres a glass girl in all of the hurting, I think...


This is me being transparent and true, saying we all have moments of hurting, and we all handle them different. Don't harshly judge ANYONE because you never know what they are going through.

Mirror May: What do you see?

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

Do we see the same things at all?

I've always been amazed at the concept of looking into the mirror and seeing the truth. I've always heard "Mirrors never lie" While that may true... when we look in the mirror we see whats worst about ourselves. Just a few days ago I had an extremely cute outfit on, no makeup on, and my hair was up. My mother and grandmother both told me how beautiful I was...instead of responding I looked straight ahead into the mirror... My mouth dropped open and I responded with "Oh no, thank you but... My face is SO blotchy!"

Couldn't a simple thank you work? Apparently not. I realized later that they were right, I AM beautiful, imperfections and all...but my goodness, I don't have to point out my imperfections because the thing is... with the help of mirrors we're often our own worst critics.

The next time you look in the mirror, say 5 things you like about yourself, and if you can't find something on the outside (lets face it, some days we just cant) name things on the inside.

What do you see when you look at yourself?

My 5 things today are:

My smile, I LOVE my smile.
My eyes, sometimes they annoy me but I love when they are a deep dark brown
My butterfly tank top, I have GREAT taste in clothes ;)
My goofy facial expressions because it shows how silly I am
The fact that I'm covered in paint after painting the swing that my mother didn't ask me to paint, I just did it to help out.

What do I see when I look at myself? Someone that has a heart to help others see their own worth, and someone who works daily to see her own worth.

It's a journey, we've got societies view of beauty against us, we don't need the added pressure of seeing ourselves negatively in a mirror....

"Mirror Mirror on the wall,

Do we see the same things at all?"

"I look on the outside, it's all I can see,

Sometimes you cannot just rely on me.

Tell me the things you like about yourself the most...

Perhaps you and I both...can focus on those."

You are loved, beautiful, amazing, awesome, and just a cool cat! Don't forget it ;)