Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long one!
A lot has been going on this past weekend. I'll start off by talking about the gluten thing. I have no doubt in my mind that I'm now Celiac instead of Gluten sensitive/intolerant. I used to be able to handle small amounts and now I can't even handle a small piece of communion bread. It's nightmarish.
With this sudden, abrupt, and difficult change in my diet, others in my circle are having to also adjust, but many in my circle havent received it well. I've been judged and glared out. People don't appreciate that I HAVE to bring my own gluten free option to community dinners. I have to take care of myself so that I'm not feeling deprived. Depression can often come with ANY TYPE of change in diet and I really don't appreciate people telling me I'm in the wrong or that it's MY DUTY to help others see a healthier way of eating. I cannot and will not carry the whole worlds burdens on my shoulders, I have enough going on in my own world, too much of my own world to defend against the judgmental glances of others.
How would you feel if you had an allergy and you knew no one else would bring something gluten free so you had to, then when you did people were rude to you about it?! Probably not too happy. But you know what, I'm getting through it and it's all fine. I just said that to say, be careful who you judge and why you judge. It's not our place.
Next... I'm very open and honest about my personal convictions, we ALL have personal convictions. These are convictions God puts on our hearts personally. Other people may not get them or understand them but YOU do, because it's YOURS. I have always been a person that has looked to God for guidance in everything including convictions he's already placed on my heart. I ALWAYS listen to what God has to say but I do not listen to people when they tell me they don't agree with my convictions. A. They don't understand it. B. It's none of their business.
One of my biggest convictions, that was actually confirmed by more than one of my college professors is that I will not volunteer in a youth ministry or childrens ministry. I got a degree in it, and I will not volunteer because if I ever get a job in it, that should be my lively hood and volunteering will more often then not get me stuck in a bigger rut than I'm already in. In good conscience I cannot do that. You may not agree with it, but it's not about you.
Now, that being said, that does not mean I do not mentor young people. There are several young people in my church and outside of my church that look up to me. Young women who consider me their mentor.
I made a point recently that God does call some people to volunteer, but he doesn't call everyone to volunteer. This was shot back with the comment "he calls everyone to serve" Serving and volunteering are different. I don't volunteer in youth ministries but I serve in other ways. I serve in my churches technology team, I serve by mentoring young people, I serve by teaching Bible Study when I'm healthy enough to have it in my home.
But I will not stand to be interrupted and judged (even unintentionally) by someone who wont even listen. When you don't give me a chance to explain without jumping to conclusions don't expect me to just take it without getting upset. I took classes on preaching I know what it looks and sounds like and I will not let you tell me my conviction is wrong when you don't know my PERSONAL relationship with God. Just like I wont tell you how to live your life for Christ.
Rant over. Just...be careful.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Thursday, September 11, 2014
We Remember
Today is a day that will be full of an overload of posts from people remembering where they were 9/11/01. I already made a post about it on facebook so I'm not going to rehash all that. I will say that everyone has a different memory and mine brings forth a bunch of different ones to follow in the next few days.
Life has changed a lot in the last 13 years for everyone, in this country especially. It's almost hard to talk about it. So instead we pray. Today is a day of pensive thought. This is a short post... I'm just so much in thought that I can't get it out. More later, perhaps.
Life has changed a lot in the last 13 years for everyone, in this country especially. It's almost hard to talk about it. So instead we pray. Today is a day of pensive thought. This is a short post... I'm just so much in thought that I can't get it out. More later, perhaps.
Monday, September 08, 2014
"Why are you obsessed with brains?"
"Why are you so obsessed with brains?" It's a question I get asked a lot.
Many who know me know that I was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Agenisis of the Corpus Callosum (ACC) with I was 20 years old. I was actually born with it and they didn't find out until then.
The cliff notes version to what ACC is: Agenisis of the Corpus Callosum means that someone is born with the Corpus Callosum (bridge to both sides of the brain, the connector piece in the brain) either completely or partially missing. This causes a number of problems. Though some with ACC are known as "high functioning" and others may not be able to walk or talk or do much of anything for themselves.
Before you read any further, know that I've heard before the whole "well I'd never known if you hadn't told me." that might be true, instead you'd have labeled my ACC moments as me being weird, or stupid or blonde. I've heard it all trust me. I was bullied all through school because I didn't fit in and THIS, my ACC was why.
Of course, my "obsession", my interest in the brain didn't start with my ACC diagnoses. I studied the brain in my gifted class way back in middle school. It ALWAYS fascinated me. I remember getting those discovery kids magazines back when I was little. I still have them, and the brain issue... it's a little more beat up than all the others because I devoured the info in it.
But with my diagnoses, I did get even more interested in the brain and how it works. That was my favorite part of my general psychology class in college. For example did you know that doctors will actually remove the CC from someones brain in order to stop seizures, but some with ACC actually struggle with having seizures? WOW!
So yes, I have a brain shaped eraser, stress ball, pen, and key chain, yes, I have a squishy brain model, a grow your own brain science thing, a brain bank... I LOVE brains. It's amazing to see just how different brains work, with or without the corpus callosum. So, I might be a little obsessed, brains mean something to me. It's fun! :P
Many who know me know that I was diagnosed with a brain disorder called Agenisis of the Corpus Callosum (ACC) with I was 20 years old. I was actually born with it and they didn't find out until then.
The cliff notes version to what ACC is: Agenisis of the Corpus Callosum means that someone is born with the Corpus Callosum (bridge to both sides of the brain, the connector piece in the brain) either completely or partially missing. This causes a number of problems. Though some with ACC are known as "high functioning" and others may not be able to walk or talk or do much of anything for themselves.
Before you read any further, know that I've heard before the whole "well I'd never known if you hadn't told me." that might be true, instead you'd have labeled my ACC moments as me being weird, or stupid or blonde. I've heard it all trust me. I was bullied all through school because I didn't fit in and THIS, my ACC was why.
Of course, my "obsession", my interest in the brain didn't start with my ACC diagnoses. I studied the brain in my gifted class way back in middle school. It ALWAYS fascinated me. I remember getting those discovery kids magazines back when I was little. I still have them, and the brain issue... it's a little more beat up than all the others because I devoured the info in it.
But with my diagnoses, I did get even more interested in the brain and how it works. That was my favorite part of my general psychology class in college. For example did you know that doctors will actually remove the CC from someones brain in order to stop seizures, but some with ACC actually struggle with having seizures? WOW!
So yes, I have a brain shaped eraser, stress ball, pen, and key chain, yes, I have a squishy brain model, a grow your own brain science thing, a brain bank... I LOVE brains. It's amazing to see just how different brains work, with or without the corpus callosum. So, I might be a little obsessed, brains mean something to me. It's fun! :P
Friday, September 05, 2014
A Better Life
So here lately I've become a slight health nut. Figuring out that I'm now Celiac really changed my life. I can't eat ANYTHING with Gluten in it now and it's just... hard to adjust. But I'm staying very strict on my knew diet change and I'm finally starting to feel better. I was even at a family reunion the other day and for the first time in several months after a big meal like that I realized something... I wasn't sick! I was so happy I had a smile on my face for hours after that.
Another thing I've been doing lately is working out A LOT. Possibly overdoing it just a little... or a lot. haha. But I'm getting healthier. I've lost 18 pounds in total so far and a friend of mind told me I was starting to obsess. But the thing is... as long as you have a handle on the obsession, obsessing over weight loss is okay, if it's for the right reason (health) Sometimes a person has to obsess to get results and that's what I've had to do! I'm THANKFUL for the fact that I've started to obsess because without that I wouldn't have lost 18 pounds! I also wouldn't be able to give up gluten so fully without it, and I wouldn't be able to make myself workout so routinely. This obsession is a good thing, it's helping me get to a better life.
Beyond all that I've started doing my makeup a little differently, started doing different things with my long hair (the longest it's been since I was in college 4 years ago, when I chopped it off for locks of love)
The point is, I'm changing and growing and making myself have a better life! People aren't going to like it... but it's not about them! It's about me, how I feel, how proud I'm making God because I'm building a healthier temple for Him, My inside is strong, my heart and soul are in good shape, but now I want my body to match that. God is proud of that decision, I think. He loves us the way we are this is true but He wants us to take care of ourselves. To be healthy so that we'll feel well enough to celebrate and worship and praise him. So we'll feel like talking to the person at Wal-mart that we just met about how wonderful He is... so that we can look at that family member who says "you look great" and we can say "I couldn't have done this without God."
God wants us to have better lives, he'll give us the heart and means we've just got to step up and grab it.
Thursday, September 04, 2014
Annoying Life
As already stated I am not a big fan of this month. I'm just trying to survive and get through. I really don't have anyone to talk to because my mom and I both shut down and most other people think I should be over it and unaffected by the death of my father, since it's been 13 years. I think I can depend on someone and they let me down, so then the only people I can talk to are one or two friends and I feel like I tell them too much and annoy them. Which makes me feel like I'm back in high school and I hate it. This life is annoying. Just wake me up when September Ends.
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
It's Hard Not To Cry Over Spilled Tea
September is a hard month for me, really the "hard month" starts in August but doesn't truly hit until September 1st. This year, it's been a tough one because with all the loss that happened to those I care about in August... especially friends of mines fathers dying... I just haven't been handling it well.
You might be wondering whats going on, why I'm so down about September. On September 11th 2001 my father went into a coma after battling Leukemia for 7 months. On Sept 12th 2001 my mother and I found him in that coma and rushed to the hospital, and on Sept 13th at 2001 My father died in his hospice room at the hospital. The next days to follow are a blur, my uncle got my mom and I a hotel room so we wouldn't have to drive home that night and so we would be surrounded by family... Then the next few days were visitation and funeral... I remember neither event very well. I remember friends coming, hugging, arguments with a sibling, reading a poem I wrote for Dad when he got sick, and then going home.
September is a month where all these memories that I DO have flood back. I remember the 11th-13th so vividly, I remember dad dying, getting mad at the person that kicked me out of his hospital room just before he drew his last breath. I remember finding out my dad died and hugging my nephews because I needed to hug SOMEONE. I remember wanting to cry and not wanting to cry, trying to get a hold of my two best guy friends Joey, and Codey, so I could talk to SOMEONE.
For years I hated the month of September. I still slightly shut down even 13 years later. I get grumpy and I used to get very anti-social, until about 4 years ago when my friend Carla came in my life, she helped me get out and do things during this time, even when I didn't want to. Then I "met" my friend Brian Crowley through youtube and twitter. His birthday is in September so it's his favorite month, lol. We butt heads on the subject till my conscience got a hold of me and I apologized. Brian was supportive, suggested some sad movies to get my crying out, and then basically just advised me to continue to live my life even though it hurt. If it wasn't for Carla and Brian I would still be a mess like I used to be.
I've heard a lot this past month "It's been 13 years, you should get over it." Let me say something to these insensitive people... you probably haven't experienced loss like this, while having an already tender heart. I was 15 when my dad died, he has missed a lot of major milestones in my life that have already happened and some that haven't happened yet. It was damaging to me. It STILL hurts. I can do my best to try and not let it get to me, and some days it STILL does. I FIGHT those memories, trying to remember the good times... and most of the year I DO remember the good times but in September I fight like heck to keep the bad memories away and sometimes I lose.
This loss of a father is like having tea in my favorite tea cup, and the tea cup falling and breaking, then my tea going EVERYWHERE. It's hard not to cry over that... but I'm trying to stay strong. Right now I just need patience and understanding. Once again this year I'm making small plans... on who to spend time with but I don't know all the details yet... and I don't know how much I can take, but I'm trying and that is what matters.
You might be wondering whats going on, why I'm so down about September. On September 11th 2001 my father went into a coma after battling Leukemia for 7 months. On Sept 12th 2001 my mother and I found him in that coma and rushed to the hospital, and on Sept 13th at 2001 My father died in his hospice room at the hospital. The next days to follow are a blur, my uncle got my mom and I a hotel room so we wouldn't have to drive home that night and so we would be surrounded by family... Then the next few days were visitation and funeral... I remember neither event very well. I remember friends coming, hugging, arguments with a sibling, reading a poem I wrote for Dad when he got sick, and then going home.
September is a month where all these memories that I DO have flood back. I remember the 11th-13th so vividly, I remember dad dying, getting mad at the person that kicked me out of his hospital room just before he drew his last breath. I remember finding out my dad died and hugging my nephews because I needed to hug SOMEONE. I remember wanting to cry and not wanting to cry, trying to get a hold of my two best guy friends Joey, and Codey, so I could talk to SOMEONE.
For years I hated the month of September. I still slightly shut down even 13 years later. I get grumpy and I used to get very anti-social, until about 4 years ago when my friend Carla came in my life, she helped me get out and do things during this time, even when I didn't want to. Then I "met" my friend Brian Crowley through youtube and twitter. His birthday is in September so it's his favorite month, lol. We butt heads on the subject till my conscience got a hold of me and I apologized. Brian was supportive, suggested some sad movies to get my crying out, and then basically just advised me to continue to live my life even though it hurt. If it wasn't for Carla and Brian I would still be a mess like I used to be.
I've heard a lot this past month "It's been 13 years, you should get over it." Let me say something to these insensitive people... you probably haven't experienced loss like this, while having an already tender heart. I was 15 when my dad died, he has missed a lot of major milestones in my life that have already happened and some that haven't happened yet. It was damaging to me. It STILL hurts. I can do my best to try and not let it get to me, and some days it STILL does. I FIGHT those memories, trying to remember the good times... and most of the year I DO remember the good times but in September I fight like heck to keep the bad memories away and sometimes I lose.
This loss of a father is like having tea in my favorite tea cup, and the tea cup falling and breaking, then my tea going EVERYWHERE. It's hard not to cry over that... but I'm trying to stay strong. Right now I just need patience and understanding. Once again this year I'm making small plans... on who to spend time with but I don't know all the details yet... and I don't know how much I can take, but I'm trying and that is what matters.
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