September is a hard month for me, really the "hard month" starts in August but doesn't truly hit until September 1st. This year, it's been a tough one because with all the loss that happened to those I care about in August... especially friends of mines fathers dying... I just haven't been handling it well.
You might be wondering whats going on, why I'm so down about September. On September 11th 2001 my father went into a coma after battling Leukemia for 7 months. On Sept 12th 2001 my mother and I found him in that coma and rushed to the hospital, and on Sept 13th at 2001 My father died in his hospice room at the hospital. The next days to follow are a blur, my uncle got my mom and I a hotel room so we wouldn't have to drive home that night and so we would be surrounded by family... Then the next few days were visitation and funeral... I remember neither event very well. I remember friends coming, hugging, arguments with a sibling, reading a poem I wrote for Dad when he got sick, and then going home.
September is a month where all these memories that I DO have flood back. I remember the 11th-13th so vividly, I remember dad dying, getting mad at the person that kicked me out of his hospital room just before he drew his last breath. I remember finding out my dad died and hugging my nephews because I needed to hug SOMEONE. I remember wanting to cry and not wanting to cry, trying to get a hold of my two best guy friends Joey, and Codey, so I could talk to SOMEONE.
For years I hated the month of September. I still slightly shut down even 13 years later. I get grumpy and I used to get very anti-social, until about 4 years ago when my friend Carla came in my life, she helped me get out and do things during this time, even when I didn't want to. Then I "met" my friend Brian Crowley through youtube and twitter. His birthday is in September so it's his favorite month, lol. We butt heads on the subject till my conscience got a hold of me and I apologized. Brian was supportive, suggested some sad movies to get my crying out, and then basically just advised me to continue to live my life even though it hurt. If it wasn't for Carla and Brian I would still be a mess like I used to be.
I've heard a lot this past month "It's been 13 years, you should get over it." Let me say something to these insensitive people... you probably haven't experienced loss like this, while having an already tender heart. I was 15 when my dad died, he has missed a lot of major milestones in my life that have already happened and some that haven't happened yet. It was damaging to me. It STILL hurts. I can do my best to try and not let it get to me, and some days it STILL does. I FIGHT those memories, trying to remember the good times... and most of the year I DO remember the good times but in September I fight like heck to keep the bad memories away and sometimes I lose.
This loss of a father is like having tea in my favorite tea cup, and the tea cup falling and breaking, then my tea going EVERYWHERE. It's hard not to cry over that... but I'm trying to stay strong. Right now I just need patience and understanding. Once again this year I'm making small plans... on who to spend time with but I don't know all the details yet... and I don't know how much I can take, but I'm trying and that is what matters.
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