Musing From A Wounded Minister

I started going to church when I was 2 weeks. I felt the call to become a Christian at age 6 but I wanted to be sure. I waited 2 years. At age 8 I asked God into my heart and life, getting baptized that same night,  Saturday, July 16th 1994. 

As the years went on I was involved in music ministry, co-leading a children's choir, I also sang with my father. When he died I sang with some of my friends from church. For about a year I ran from God's calling to go to a Christian University. I went to OCU for 5 years. 

During the orientation week we picked out majors. When I was first accepted at OCU I was supposed to do a music ministry major. I change my mind realizing that's not what I wanted, and switched to an undecided which meant I would get my gen ed and Bible Courses done for an associates and then transfer. That day though I met someone who worked for the school. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He told me something I already sort of knew "you are meant for ministry" then he did something that I didn't agree with at ALL. He changed my major to missions. Now I LOVE missions. I would love to do more missions trips! But missions is NOT my calling. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. But me being in ministry, that was not such a stretch. So I took the next year and prayed about it. Opportunities opened up and I realized God was calling me into Youth Ministry. 

I'll be the first to tell people I fought God on it. My best friend from college, Stephanie will tell you as well. I went to a Southern Baptist Church. Women were NOT ministers. However I also have a huge background of family in the ministry. Great-grandfathers, grandfathers, uncles, and even my father was a deacon and music minister! It's in my blood, and in my heart. So finally after fighting God I realized that I couldn't run anymore, that I didn't want to. Youth Ministry was it for me. I've always been good with kids, and had a heart for God. I have experience of tough stuff that has happened, and I wouldn't allow any youth to go through crap alone if I could help it. So that was it, it was me and youth ministry for the next 4 years. 

Then I graduated. I prayed and God laid it on my heart not to be a volunteer youth minister. This is a conviction that has gotten a lot of icky comments. It's okay to volunteer I'm not saying that but as a person who has their degree in youth ministry it's not a good idea but often times when you volunteer you'll never get out of that. Just like everyone else I need a job. God has not called me to VOLUNTEER in youth ministry. He has called that to be my profession. There is a difference. This conviction had moments of confirmation by 6 people in my life as well and I'm not going to stray from what God has laid on my heart no matter who asks me to. Instead of judging, I ask that people understand that. 

So now I'm in the real world. I have been asked to leave either politely or forcefully from churches because of my youth ministry degree, I have been treated wrongfully because of my conviction. I have been told I will not be hired not only because of my GENDER but also because of my MARITAL STATUS (single)

I LOVE that people reject me for the things that God knew when he called me. God knew he was calling a female who was single. God also knew I would still be single when I graduated. 

I gave this back story to show the Church has wounded me. However God has given me a heart for the church as a whole. I keep going back. Abused by the church but I just can't quit because God loves the church and He wants ME to love the church, why because I am PART of the church. 

Do I want to give up? Give in? Leave? Quit? ALL. THE. TIME.

Has the church helped me anyway? No not really. God has.

But it's like I have said before Christians are no longer what they are supposed to be. Christian's no longer means to be Christ like. That doesn't mean ALL Christians are like that. There can be a church of 150 people that has about 3 Christ-like people in it. Or maybe 5 or even 10 but those people often fall through the cracks, they are often unnoticed, forgotten. It's not because they don't do anything for other Christians, they do. It's just that they are in a sea of people that make Christianity, a hypocritical thing. 

Think about it. Which spectrum are you on? Are you one of the people that wound your fellow believers? Are you the wounded? Or are you in that small spectrum of people that go unnoticed? OR are you a wounded one that goes unnoticed? 

I wish I felt like doing ministry but I don't I still go to church but you wont see me working in one, I quietly mentor young women, but that is it. I all but refuse to work in the church. I wanted to be part of a prayer ministry but once again went unnoticed. So I stand silently, and I watch, I pray, and hope for change. One day my wounds will heal but until that day... We'll see.